How To Maintain Your Identity Outside Of Rehab

Many people leaving rehab face an unexpected challenge. They finally see that the people who always “had their lives together” are far from perfect. Suddenly they are the ones who have the real problems.

This is because in rehab, you spend weeks or months working on your identity. You don’t just deal with your cravings. Rather, you learn to relate to the world in a brand new way. You learn how to appreciate everything in your life, how to face adversity, and how to better manage your relationships. It’s like you have a whole new identity.

Then, when you go back into the world, everyone else relates to you as the person you used to be. They also relate to the world in unhealthy ways, similar to how you did before.

This is a common experience, and occurs in any number of circumstances. It can be particularly poignant for male addicts. Recovering males often return to friend groups in which speaking about feelings and being vulnerable is seen as shameful.

After spending so much time in a safe space where you could explore your true identity, it becomes difficult to actually maintain that identity. You find yourself holding things back, laughing at jokes which are toxic, and relating to people just like you did before rehab.

The worst part is that it’s not just others who act in these ways. When back in these familiar settings, it is all too easy to revert to the person you used to be without really being aware of it.

It’s not a simple matter, but there are ways to maintain your identity outside of rehab. These tips will give you a starting point.

Avoid spending time in groups

When you leave rehab, your friends might be eager to go out with you. They may even plan some alcohol and substance-free activities. Diving right back in is going to be tempting.

However, try and resist the urge to do so. If you can, avoid going straight back into group settings. It is very difficult to maintain your new identity in your old friend groups. You’re going to want to keep everyone happy rather than relate in a real way. Groups rarely provide the space to be vulnerable and open up. They are more likely to close all avenues to do so.

Ideally, meet up with your friends in a one-on-one setting. This way, you can take the exciting risk of opening up about what you’ve gone through. Eventually, when you do start spending time in groups again, your friends will have had a chance to get to know the identity you’ve discovered.

Aim for “good enough”

In rehab, you learn a lot about how to relate to the world and others in a more authentic way. It is exciting and you have never felt more in tune. When you leave rehab, you will want to use the communication techniques you have learned to interact with others.

Unfortunately, it will not often go as smoothly as you imagined. You will find yourself skipping steps and, in some cases, giving answers that are less than honest.

The thing is that real world interactions don’t go as smoothly as when presented on a worksheet or in rehab. Rehab is a kind of vacuum. The outside world is always throwing complications at you, and you simply cannot and should not plan all your interactions.

Rather than trying for perfection, aim for good enough. Did you manage to express yourself better than you would have before rehab? That’s a great start. If not, you can try a less ambitious approach the next time.

Spend time alone

Humans are social beings. These days, it is tempting to always be speaking to someone, whether in person or over phone or text. But socializing can also be a way of avoiding scary thoughts and feelings. It can end up suppressing your identity.

In order to maintain what you have learned in rehab, you are going to have to regularly spend time alone. Spend this time meditating, doing some exercises, or simply being creative. The details are up to you, but make sure you’re not just turning off your mind.

Maintaining your identity outside of rehab is going to be one of the biggest challenges you face. Spend the necessary time working on yourself, even if it means you can’t be as social as you were before rehab.

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Tips For Managing Cravings When Working From Home

One of the biggest changes to life in 2020 is that tons of people are suddenly working from home. While remote work has long been the norm for millions of freelancers, it is a brand new experience for those of us used to going to an office. For recovering alcoholics and substance users, it can be particularly challenging.

At the office, it is relatively easy to stay away from drugs and alcohol. Not only will colleagues and supervisors notice if you are drunk or high, but you are generally so distracted by your work that cravings don’t bother you. At home, however, staying focused on work is far more difficult. Cravings therefore become more dangerous.

That said, it is definitely possible to stay away from drugs and alcohol while working from home. Here are some tips to get you used to the challenge.

Create physical boundaries

Physical boundaries are incredibly important for recovering addicts working from home. You may not be fortunate to have enough space for a home office. Nonetheless, you can still segment your space effectively.

Instead of seeing your entire apartment as your home office, designate a particular chair at a particular table or desk. Only work from this space. Then, decide which areas of your apartment should be off-limits during the work day. This should include the space in front of the TV, most of your kitchen and, if possible, your bedroom.

It is important to find a balance. You don’t want to feel claustrophobic, so allow yourself to walk around, go outside, and use the kettle to make coffee. But if you can’t physically differentiate between work and leisure time, it is going to be hard to focus on what you should be doing. Cravings may take this opportunity to sneak in.

Structure your day

Just as physical boundaries are important, so are boundaries in time. An unstructured day is dangerous for recovering addicts. One of the side-effects of addiction is generally that one hour blurs into the next, day blurs into night. This further enables addiction, as any time could consequently be the “right” time for a drink or to pop a pill.

When working from home, structure your time as you would in an office. Schedule in a lunch break. Take coffee breaks, as you would at work. And only work during office hours if possible.

Furthermore, you should eat at meal times and make time to walk or exercise.

Use mindfulness strategies

Mindfulness strategies are regularly used in addiction treatment and rehab centers. Mindfulness is one of the most effective ways of managing cravings. Mindfulness works by helping you to see the moment through, rather than simply trying to get through it. It gives you the tools to acknowledge the craving without reacting. When you simply let the craving be, it goes away over time without causing any damage.

Mindfulness is deceptively simple, and it takes a lot of practice and training to get used to. Ideally, you’ll have learned some mindfulness strategies in rehab. If not, mobile apps like Headspace and Calm do a great job at guiding you through different courses.

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Is Online Therapy As Good As Being In A Therapist’s Office?

While the country is starting to open up again after an extended period of stay-at-home orders, not everyone is ready to take the risk. For many people recovering from alcoholism and substance use disorder, the situation is particularly dicey. After all, alcohol and drugs can have a severe impact on your physical health. Many chronic illnesses brought about by addiction can put you at high risk for complications from the coronavirus.

Nonetheless, you need to continue with your treatment to stay mentally healthy and avoid relapses. Many support groups and meetings have continued online to great effect. But what about individual therapy?

Individual therapy is incredibly important for your continued recovery. It is where you can share your struggles, vent, and do impactful work on yourself. Your therapist will probably see you online. But is online therapy really a worthy alternative?

There are a number of reasons people are skeptical about online therapy. The main qualm is that your therapist cannot read your body language without you in the room. However, there are also benefits, and many people have found online therapy to be as helpful, if not more so, than traditional therapy.

Let’s take a look at the various factors which determine the impact of online therapy.

Body language

Any good therapist will tell you that they often get more information from your body language than from what you are actively telling them. They can detect when you are misrepresenting something, even if you do not realize it yourself. They notice how your body reacts to certain statements, what makes you retreat into yourself, and what draws you out.

This is probably the most commonly cited problem with online therapy. Even if the therapist can see you, their view is limited. Furthermore, you can see yourself and, consciously or unconsciously, curate what your physical appearance is communicating.

However, contrary to what most therapists have assumed, body language can play an even bigger part in online therapy than it would in an office. The main reason for this is that therapists will regularly check in with what their clients are experiencing physically. You become more aware of how your own body is reacting and have to relay this to your therapist.

Sure, there are things you will miss or even specifically leave out, but even in person you curate your physical reactions to a certain extent. When your physical responses become an active part of the therapy process, there is a whole level of data to delve into.

Another important factor is that you as the client feel more comfortable with certain physical responses. Responses you would repress or block out in person. This is particularly useful when discussing sexuality. Clients who would avoid allowing themselves to experience physical arousal at all costs in person can let go in the safety of their own homes.

The physical distance can make this feel not only more comfortable but safer as well, for both the client and the therapist. Therefore, issues which you might never raise in person can become a crucial part of your therapeutic journey.

This is not to say that online therapy is necessarily better in terms of the physical than in-office therapy. However, each has its pros and cons, and the lack of in-person body language doesn’t have to make therapy worse.

Other issues with online therapy

Body language is not the only difference between online and traditional therapy. It is the most clear-cut factor, but there are other considerations.

Most pressing is the lack of privacy some people worry about when it comes to having therapy at home. This is especially problematic in relationships where abuse is taking place. You might not feel safe enough to share openly even if you are alone in a room. The possibility of someone else hearing your session can paralyze your ability to be vulnerable.

If this is true for you, it may be best to find a way to see your therapist in person, safely. Make sure that their office is sanitized after every session and that hand sanitizer is available. Wear a mask and be careful not to touch your face. Wash your hands thoroughly after the session.

Another more mundane factor is technical issues. People who struggle with technology can have a tough time getting used to video calls. Also, a poor internet connection can make the session choppy. This can be incredibly disruptive and, for some people, unsettling.

Try to ensure that your internet connection is stable before any sessions, and ask for help if you have trouble with the technological admin.

Online therapy is crucial in the time of COVID-19, especially for recovering addicts with compromised immune systems or chronic conditions. It is a somewhat different experience, but it certainly has its benefits, and can be as good as, if not better than, the alternative.

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Should I Keep My Time In Drug Rehab Secret?

While you’re in alcohol and drug rehab, it is relatively easy to speak about your experience. You are among a group of people who have been through similar things as you. Your addiction is why you are there, after all. But what happens once you leave rehab? Should you keep your time in drug rehab secret?

This is a complex matter that has no simple answer. There are compelling reasons to speak openly about your time in drug rehab. However, there are also practical reasons to keep it secret.

Here are some of the factors you need to consider.

Have you owned your addiction?

Denial is both a symptom and enabler of addiction. People struggling with addiction deny that they have a problem even to themselves. That denial prevents addicts from getting treatment. Even as it becomes obvious to everyone else that you have a problem, you may not see it.

But without accepting that you have a problem, you are unlikely to recover. The steps towards recovery take work and commitment, which no one will undertake if they think they have things under control.

This is one of the problems with keeping your time in drug rehab secret. While you may have conceded that you have a problem in going to rehab in the first place, the instinct to lie about it hints at a difficulty in owning your addiction. Of course, stigma may be the main reason for your secretiveness, but denial to others can lead you back into a state of denial to yourself.

When considering whether or not to tell people about your time in rehab, ask yourself whether you have truly owned your addiction. If you believe you have, ask yourself the real reasons you want to keep it secret. Are these reasons practical?

Who do you want to keep your addiction secret from?

The question of who you want to keep your addiction secret from will be revealing. If you are trying to keep it secret from family and friends, this hints at your difficulty in owning your problem.

While in rehab, you should come to accept your problem without self-judgment, and to find pride in your recovery. Outside of rehab, this becomes more difficult, as your friends and family have not been through the same process as you. However, revealing your problem to them will be a declaration to yourself and to them that you have come to terms with what you have been through.

Keeping your time in drug rehab secret from family and friends can lead to bigger problems down the line. A pattern of secrecy is one of the damaging symptoms of alcohol and drug addiction. The temporary feeling of shame in sharing your experience is a small price to pay for maintaining your recovery.

But what about employers, colleagues, and networks?

What about your career?

Unfortunately, sharing that you have spent time in drug rehab may be damaging for your job or job prospects. America’s working world has not yet accepted on a broad scale that addiction is a disease. Many employers may reconsider hiring someone based on their experience in rehab.

When it comes to your career, keeping your time in rehab secret might be the most practical choice. As long as you are doing so to improve your prospects or keep your job, the secret should not become too toxic. However, if it no longer threatens your career, keeping it secret out of shame can lead to that cycle of denial.

In terms of your career, the line between secrecy for practical purposes and denial is somewhat clear. That line becomes blurred in a romantic setting.

What do you tell your date?

Dating is difficult for recovering addicts. You are going to be meeting new people who you want to impress, in a context that is often facilitated by alcohol. Furthermore, any relationship based on secrecy and lies is bound to become toxic.

On the other hand, telling your date from the get-go that you are a recovering addict may be too much for them to process. It starts the relationship off with a level of intimacy most couples work up to over time.

The reality is that, when you start dating, it may be wise to keep details about your addiction to yourself. If a first date is going particularly well, you might feel like it is the right moment to share this part of your life. Otherwise, filling the person in on one of the first few dates is advised. At this point, you have gotten to know each other better, and if you continue to keep your time in rehab secret, it will only become a toxic elephant in the room.

Keeping your time in rehab secret is not ideal, but it can be necessary for practical reasons. Assess each case in context, while trying to be as open and honest as possible.

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How Mindfulness Can Give You Perspective In Recovery

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference” – the Serenity Prayer

In the Serenity Prayer, we ask for the wisdom to know the difference between what we can and cannot change. Without that wisdom, we can get stuck trying to “fix” things we need to accept or accepting things about ourselves that really can be changed. The question many recovering addicts ask themselves is how they can achieve this sense of wisdom.

It is a tough question for addicts to answer, considering that we have made decisions that led to terrible consequences. Can we really learn to trust our instincts over what we can and cannot change?

One of the most popular strategies in treatment of addiction and mental illness today is mindfulness. However, without a proper understanding of mindfulness, you are probably wondering how sitting in meditation can help give you perspective.

But mindfulness really is the key to implementing the lessons in the Serenity Prayer. Here is how mindfulness can give you the perspective you need in recovery.

The attitude of Non-Judgment

Jon Kabat-Zinn, the father of Western mindfulness practice, speaks about 9 attitudes of mindfulness. One of the most important is that of Non-Judgment.

Non-judgment requires you to put aside your ideas of “good” and “bad.” Usually, we think or feel something and immediately assign a value judgment to it. We feel happy, and consider it good. We feel guilty, and consider ourselves bad. Mindfulness tells us to try to reserve judgment.

Judgment and reactivity

If you are trying to be a better person, non-judgment may seem counterintuitive. Don’t you need to know good from bad to make the right decisions? However, the automatic judgments we make do not make us better. They only make us more reactive.

Think about the following scenario. You meet someone you have hurt in the past while under the influence of substances and you feel guilty. This guilt leads you to think that you have been a bad person. You immediately try to make up for what you did in the past.

Chances are you forget about the present and begin to obsess about what you did. Instead of finding a way forward together with the person or letting the past go, you over-apologize, buy gifts, make promises you can’t keep. You are not actually helping the person. Rather, you are trying to get rid of the bad feeling of guilt, along with the sense that you are bad.

Non-reactivity

Only by being non-judgmental can you see things for how they are. In our example, you would feel your guilt and acknowledge that it relates to something you did. You acknowledge to yourself that you hurt the person. You even acknowledge the internal instinct towards self-loathing and self-punishment.

Then you see what your instincts are telling you to do. Instead of simply reacting, you take an objective look at how you would react and what that would do in the situation. Would it change anything for the better? Is there actually anything you can do to make the situation better?

This is where you begin to generate “the wisdom to know the difference.”

Wisdom

The mindfulness attitude of non-judgment is one of the most significant aspects of wisdom. While it is tempting to think that our automatic judgments of good and bad indicate our moral rightness, it is actually the opposite. Those automatic judgments are simply reactions based on instinct.

Mindfulness tells us not to take those judgments too seriously. You can’t suddenly stop yourself from having judgments, but you can acknowledge them and let them go. This will give you the space to become wise, seeing reality for what it is, not what you want it to be.

As addicts, we get used to making judgments about ourselves and the world around us. By letting these judgments go, we are not letting our moral compass lapse. On the contrary, we are allowing ourselves to put our flawed worldview aside and decide what needs to be done.

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Am I A Statistic? How To Deal With Addiction As An Individual

Something very disconcerting has been happening over the last couple of months in the midst of COVID-19. Instead of speaking about people, everyone has begun talking in numbers. Politicians, health experts, and the everyday person all have opinions which weigh up the numbers of dead. Some insist we must do everything to limit the number of dead. Others argue that economic collapse will cause more deaths than the virus.

The reason this disturbs me so much is this: for the individuals who make up those dead, the numbers don’t matter. If I die, the amount of people who died at the same time does not factor into my personal experience. In other words, when speaking about these numbers, we’re making flippant assumptions about deep philosophical and existential considerations.

I’m not going to discuss whether there is a “correct” way to speak about the numbers of infected and dead. But this has brought up something that used to bother me tremendously when recovering from addiction. Did I have control or was I just a statistic?

The addiction numbers game

The National Institute on Drug Abuse reports that 40% to 60% of people with substance use disorder relapse at some point after treatment. This number used to terrify me. I was determined to get clean and stay clean. I had committed to never use substances again. I had made promises to family, friends, and myself. But so had each individual who made up that 40% to 60%.

The numbers proved to me something I’d had no intention of accepting. I did not have control. No matter how hard I tried, I might end up becoming part of that number, even if treatment had worked.

Turns out, this discovery was not a bad thing. In fact, without it, my recovery would have almost certainly been cut short.

Acceptance and control

A crucial aspect of recovery from substance use disorders is the relinquishing of the control we think we have. As addicts, we thrive on denial. We see the world and ourselves as we want to, rather than as they are. We continually insist that we have control, even when it is clear to everyone else that we do not.

When I entered recovery, I had not relinquished my supposed control. Yes, I had accepted that I had a problem and that I had no control right now, but I intended to wrestle back that control in rehab.

Every recovering addict can relate to the terror of starting at day 1. Once you have made it one day sober, you still have the rest of your life ahead of you. The thought of having to survive until you die sounds like no life at all. And this is exactly the reason giving up control now and in the future is crucial.

One of the mantras of the 12 Step Program is that we do it “just for today.” This is an assertion that all we have is the present. Whatever happens tomorrow cannot retrospectively change what happens today.

Relapse

Relapse happens. The numbers reflect that reality. As an addict, you have to accept that you may well be among those numbers at some point in the future. And you have to accept that it does not matter right now. Yes, you will do everything you can to augment your recovery. But if you do eventually relapse, you can only deal with that reality at the time.

The current crisis has had me thinking about numbers and statistics a lot. These numbers are just one indication that we do not have control. No matter what we do, we may end up a part of them. However, as recovering addicts, acknowledging this reality is what gives us hope. Only when we stop obsessing about what we cannot change can we find peace in what is happening right now.

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Is Drinking Coffee An Addiction?

Do you drink coffee every day? Is it the first thing you do after you wake up? Would you find it hard to function without coffee?

Is drinking coffee an addiction?

Every coffee drinker thinks about these questions at some point. But for recovering addicts, the implications are different. The caffeine in coffee certainly builds dependence, and after a while it is impossible to stop drinking coffee without withdrawals. This rightly triggers certain associations to drug and alcohol addiction.

However, many recovering addicts particularly enjoy drinking coffee. At times it can even act as a crutch while one gets used to living without substances.

The topic of coffee and caffeine addiction is a complex one. Let’s take a look at the different sides of the debate.

Dependence

No coffee drinker can deny that after a while one becomes dependent on coffee. Just try going a day without it. You may experience headaches, fatigue, and general moodiness. You will find it difficult to concentrate.

Furthermore, many people drink coffee in order to wake up fully and focus better. To continue to get these benefits after a period of time, you need to drink more cups. This points to the fact that one builds a tolerance to the caffeine in coffee.

Clearly, coffee drinking has many of the hallmarks of addiction. Does this mean recovering addicts should give it up immediately?

Is coffee dangerous?

We have established that coffee is addictive. But does it matter? Studies have shown that drinking coffee daily actually has health benefits. It also does help people concentrate better throughout the day.

On the flipside, coffee is not thought to be harmful to your health in any way if you drink it in moderation. So, once you start drinking more than four or five cups a day, you may run into issues. But coffee drinking does not become this habitual for most people. Unlike most harmful addictions, its tolerance building does not usually lead to a major increase in consumption.

Furthermore, recovering addicts find drinking coffee a comforting habit. It should not replace previous addictions, but it can become a harmless daily ritual that makes one feel more grounded.

In summary, the differences between coffee and other addictions are:
coffee-drinking is not harmful to one’s health
coffee does not cause problematic behaviors
most coffee drinkers can cut down on coffee consumption much more easily if necessary for health or other reasons

Is drinking coffee an addiction?

Drinking coffee may be addictive and you can build a dependence, but it is not harmful in the same way that addiction to drugs or alcohol is. On the contrary, it can have health and behavioral benefits if consumed in moderation.

Recovering addicts should speak to their health care providers if concerned about coffee consumption. However, most recovering addicts need not worry about trying to kick this habit.

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