What Makes This Time Different? Keeping Faith After Relapse

Addiction does not just end. Everyone seems to know this, from addicts to their loved ones to people with only a passing association with addiction. When someone leaves rehab, there is a not insignificant chance they will return at some point.

The natural question after relapse is: what makes this time different?

This is one of the toughest questions recovering addicts grapple with. This time, I am determined to change. But I was determined to change last time, too. This time, I see no other option. But I saw no other option when I last left rehab. This time, I will work the program without fail. But I made the same commitment last time.

It is incredibly demoralizing to find yourself back in rehab, knowing that even if you succeed in getting and staying clean, there’s no guarantee it will last forever.

However, this reality points to one of the foundations of addiction treatment. In fact, recovery often hinges on this particular point.

Out of control

The term “out of control” is often used by non-addicts to describe the behavior of addicts during a bender. They have no control over their actions, which is why they are in a downward spiral. In recovery, however, our lack of control becomes healing.

Many of the 12 Steps revolve around the admission that, most of the time, we have no control. We are powerless over our addiction, which is why we are in rehab. We can’t fix this ourselves, which is why we submit to a higher power. And, crucially, we have no control over the future, which is why we focus on the present.

One of the most frightening realities of relapse is realizing that our days, months, or years of sobriety are back to zero. Sobriety was meant to last forever, but we’re so very far from forever. In recovery, we learn that forever is meaningless.

Giving up on forever

As long as we’re hoping to be sober “forever,” we are trying to force the future into our control. Recovering “forever” is impossible, and that ambition means that we can only be successful at the end of our lives. Do you really want to be living for that moment?

The key to recovery is coming to understand that the only moment we have is the one we are in. It is the only moment we have any power over. It is as important a moment as any. And it is the moment in which we can choose sobriety.

Finding yourself back in rehab is so demoralizing because you start seeing your time spent sober in the light of your relapse. But any time sober is not compromised by a relapse. What makes this time different is that this is now and that was then. This is the only time we have.

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How To Forgive Yourself In Rehab

Is it possible to forgive yourself in rehab when you’ve hurt the people you love most?

For my daughter’s sixteenth birthday weekend, my husband and I had planned a Friday night dinner, gifts on Saturday morning, and shopping on Sunday afternoon. Melissa was excited by the itinerary, but more so to spend time with her recently-sober mom. On that Thursday, my husband gave me cash to go buy Mel’s gifts. This was a display of trust I had worked hard to earn.

They didn’t see or hear from me until Tuesday morning.

When I’d left the house that Thursday, I’d had no intention of using. Almost unconsciously, I had found myself dialing my dealer’s number, which I remembered despite having deleted it from my phone. By the time I’d spent Mel’s birthday money, I was already spiraling down a path of shame and self-destruction. I ignored my husband’s calls and eventually turned my phone off.

Is it just me?

The fact that I didn’t know why I had done it only made things harder. Was I just a bad person? That was the question I grappled with during my second stint in drug rehab. I could blame the lies I’d told before my first stint in rehab on the drugs. But this time, I had been clear-headed when I’d left the house. And I’d still ended up hurting my family. Could I learn to forgive myself in rehab?

Ultimately, it was the Serenity Prayer which helped me forgive myself and move forward:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.

Responsibility, not blame

The Serenity Prayer urges us to make a distinction between responsibility and blame. Blaming myself for my past actions was only leading me down a destructive cycle. I could call myself a bad person and feel justified for it, but that only justified my continued bad behavior. I cannot change what happened in the past – blaming myself only gave me an excuse not to change.

However, leaving blame behind does not absolve me of responsibility. Taking responsibility is about learning to change what can still be changed. I learned that I could behave differently in the future. I learned that I could still work towards making amends with my family. And I learned that I could begin to forgive myself.

Non-addicts tend to take a dim view of the lies and manipulations carried out by addicts. Understandably. But buying into that view does not make anything better. It does not exhibit righteousness or absolve you of what you’ve done. On the contrary, it makes it more difficult to get better.

Learning to forgive yourself in rehab requires an act of will. You need to keep the words of the Serenity Prayer in mind, remembering that the only way you can begin to make amends for the past is by working on yourself in the present moment.

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source https://www.serenitymaliburehab.com/how-to-forgive-yourself-in-rehab/